Esther 2 - Processing the Pain

This blog message is predominantly being posted for my own sake as well as for all victim survivors of any kind of abuse; for all those who support us and advocate for us - and for those who are unable to face the realities in our lifelong journey of dealing with the pain of the layers of abuse, the “peeling of the onion”...  

     Hopefully, telling it and sharing it will help even me to get more of those layers replaced with the beauty found in the Pearl of Great Price Who went before us in order to experience for us every bit of the suffering.

Here in the west, those of us who have chosen to continue attending traditional gatherings under the “administration”, our bible study for the next 8 weeks is the book of Esther. 

I have found it strongly triggering.  I am sorting whether I have the emotional strength to follow through with attending the Wednesday studies.

Those of you who have read “My Story” know Esther is “my” story… elevated for the sexual pleasure of a male in power and “chosen.” 

            Was there “choice”? 

All of you know that answer.  Why don’t we tell?  You understand the overwhelming fear, shame, blame - and the misunderstanding and persecution which follows “whistleblowers” for the rest of our lives.

I shared in My Story that the time came when I was able to go to  “my Mordecai”, Harold Stewart.  He had spoken at convention regarding Esther: “How do you know but what it is for this cause that you have been brought to the kingdom.”  It was “the” message to give me strength to go.

Harold believed me, validated me - and would have journeyed with me; but he died 4 months after I told him the outline of my story.  

 I would need two more years to accept, “If I perish, I perish.” when I told my story to decision making men.

            We all understand the gut level fear…

The timing of assigning us Esther seems incredibly callous in view of thousands of victims with their supporters and family members journeying the pain - regardless of “where they stand”. I do not possess the knowledge to understand the “intent” of being assigned this record of defenseless women becoming slaves to a ruler’s power for his own pleasure - then Esther facing the possibility of being put to death. 

[Esther’s slavery is the consequence of hundreds of years of disobedience within the congregation of God’s chosen people because of blindly following blind leaders who God has repeatedly warned were leading His people into captivity, for instance Ezekiel 34.]  

Tonight our study is the 2nd chapter in Esther.

I feel God has given me this summary:

• Esther 2 expresses what happens when Satan is king. (Rev. 12 which expresses the persecution of Christ's bride.)

• The only concern is for his own power and pleasure. 

• He uses defenseless people for the accomplishment of confirming his power for his pleasure. God ruled and delivered the honest. 

 We are living in these same kind of days.

This following poem was shared via a post on CCF. It has given me comfort in the darkness and confusion of yet another blow through assigning Esther as our study.

“In the tangled web of doubt, I wander lost. A soul disconnected, a tempest tossed. Battling thoughts, a war within, Am I on the right path or led to sin?  Double-minded, torn in two, The teachings ingrained, what to do? 

Can this be right, or am I astray? Confusion reigns in the light of day.  Grief grips my soul, a heavy shroud, For the loss of love, once so proud.

Relationships strained, torn at the seams, As I unpack untruths from my dreams.  But amidst the chaos, a beacon bright, A new vision dawns in the darkest night. Celebrating bread from the Divine, A truth unexpected, a holy sign.

Though others may falter, fail to see, The transformation that sets me free, I walk a path, unknown, untrod, Led by the hand of a higher God.

So I'll embrace this journey, with faith anew, For in the unraveling, I find what's true. Though doubts may linger, and confusion reign, I trust in the light that guides my way again.”