Gods Keeping Power
Beyond Violation
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The purpose for this segment of ””EWES” is the hope that the comfort of God’s love can be shared even as the result of sharing how God provided power to keep me throughout the years of feeling rejected and isolated.
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My 2nd wonderful therapist asked me in the 2nd session I had with him, in 2006, “What can they do to you?” (The “they” being administrators in power and the collection of men and women who follow them.)
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I waffled.
Now, any therapist worth his or her weight will not tell us the answer: We will be encouraged to talk until we get our own message.
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I am thankful Mark provided me the answer: It has resounded to this present hour:
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“They can reject you.”
The sigh from the depths of humanity for all generations in all nations: “They can reject you.”
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Our God and Father created us to “belong”:
First, to our birth family…
Primarily to Him.
Then to others.
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A part of healing has now been acknowledged in the world of treatment of trauma and grief that “sociableness” is needed for healing.
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We need one another.
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Sexual violation isolates us from this connection with God - and mankind.
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We believe ourselves to be unworthy; dirty; responsible/accountable for what has been done to us. Our behaviors/reactions become controlled by our inherent, underlying self-rejection supported by the reactions we glean throughout life from others who are unable to understand, listen, believe, validate, hold us while we work through the pain…
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On no level do I intend to deny, cover, or avoid the validation of the ongoing anguish in spite of the liberty now afforded us as victims/survivors of CSA & SA to express the realities of our record of personally experiencing sexual abuse.
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What I long to convey is the presence of God and His provision to care for us in the darkness and ongoing suffering of the assignment of our lifelong journey through the layers revealed of the pain of abuse - like the peeling of the layers of the onion…traded for the layers of the pearl of Great Price,
the One,
God’s own Son,
Who went before
in order to suffer all things
as He became our Great High Priest,
interceding
with the empathy of having lived with us
through our journey which does not end in this life…
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Phases of My life in the Work
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Below I share experiences from my first two years in the work with God’s love beyond the violation.
“The silenced years“ -1969-1989;
I then “jump” from 1989 to 2021 & 2023 -
to the “present” provisions of God’s loving care.
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2021-2023 is a record of GOD’s loving, safe, provision since being told March 9, 2021, I would no longer be given a coworker and field.
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​I have purposely omitted the 32 years I’ve been listed on “my” prese​nt list.
​I have chosen to “not yet” “feel” and “heal”
the ongoing pain of rejection
“yet”.
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Beyond the Anguish of The Violation
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​This is a record of the presence of God as our Father as in Deut 32:9-11, “For the Lord's portion is his people…as the apple of his eye.
As an eagle stirreth up her nest, fluttereth over her young, spreadeth abroad her wings, taketh them, beareth them on her wings:”
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His “presence​" was with me, in spite of feeling I could not find Him near.
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It has been proven scientifically, medically, psychologically how vital a father’s presence is in order to create a child’s brain with safety, security, so there can be healthy self-esteem.
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God as that Father expressed that love to me through those like you and through special experiences expressing other venues of that love, especially when the hell was the deepest and darkest.
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Of course, this is from the narrow perspective of a “worker’s life.”
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Hopefully your help has come through a spouse, children, grandchildren and trustworthy friends.
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If none of this makes sense, that's OK.
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Beginning in “The Work” 1966
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Oh, the joy, the inexpressible joy of getting to “start”.
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The battle against the call to the ministry had been fierce.
Attending my first convention in 1962 had brought surrender in the warfare.
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Mark 10 is the record of the battle common to all of us who are called - resistance..
We have no ongoing record if the “rich young ruler” whose wealth seemed too valuable to pay the price
of the call to a ministry
without salary, retirement, family ties, to preach the gospel freely,
living without choice with a new “someone” year after year seems impossible.
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It is, except for the grace of God fulfilling the leading of God’s Spirit day by day, moment by moment, in a life where we are never our own, nor alone.
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The only message I heard at convention that summer of 1962 was
not a spoken one:
it came from God Himself:
“If you are going to follow my Son you must answer the call to the harvest field: Give your all or lose your all - forever in the darkness of a lost eternity.”
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I bowed, offering my life for the work in September of 1962.
I started in the work in June of 1966.
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Wasilla, AK, preps. and convention, June, July 1966.
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First year with Queenie Blake, Anchorage, AK
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Oh, the sweetness, the inexpressible sweetness of the care through God’s love through people in their homes to this “stranger” from a world “foreign” to those “raised” in the culture and the faith through God’s Spirit in those homes.
Their love from God for me overcame the shock of a 20th century modern, college educated woman, dropped into the Victorian culture of the “training” of my 63 year old, farm girl coworker who did not know what to do with me any more than I knew what to do with her Victorian, British, farm girl, limited education culture.
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Today I value the impartial ministry of that first of my coworkers among those people - she knew no respect of persons.
She knew and taught me to love the scripture.
How I loved and enjoyed hearing her preach the gospel.
Those characteristics, following years of anguished bitterness within my heart, soul and spirit, have overcome the agony of the nightmare of being suffocated, the nightmare which I have shared in “My Story.”
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That cannot be “boasting”: it is possible only with the passing of time and facing, feeling and navigating the pain and anguish with professional guidance as well as the ever abiding presence of God’s Spirit -
known and unknown.
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Year two
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Again I felt the SHOCK of being “dumped” into a culture born and bred in the traditions of England at the turn of the 20th Century:
I was with a coworker with limited education and whose trust was in unsubstantiated tradition she sought to impose on me.
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Yet, several years later, and to the present day, at 91 years of age, that coworker express repeatedly that the thing she values most
about our time together
was searching the scripture
to find support
for what I mandated she prove to me
from the word of God
as the foundation for what we did.
Her training - at home - and in the traditions of the culture
of the work at the time -
left her believing that even reading news magazines
was not acceptable to God.
What and how did we overcome the opposing cultures?
Marvelous experiences shared as we labored together in a yoke so foreign with one another and shared together!
Facing the Fairbanks Flood, two weeks into our time together, in August of 1967 and with our beloved homes: Oh, the marvel, the marvel, of it all!!
Working together through it all - 14 of us in a trailer, (not a mobile home), for 10 days…sharing the riches of faith which could not be taken from us when our friends did not yet know if their homes were saved or lost.
60 & 70 below zero batching in Dawson City, Yukon Territory,
460 miles from our closest friends.
Our fuel gelled in our motel room,..
Hilda had awakened at 4:30 a.m. realizing we were cold.
She awakened me and piled on all we had for warmth then went to our landlord next door who rescued us.
There were two inches of frost inside our kitchen door as she went to awaken our landlord.
The landlord warmed the fuel tanks and pipes to the fuel heaters of the 4 motel rooms occupied by 6 women and 3 children.
Nor could words ever express the gain of a highlight of life,
spending two weeks with Earl and Mamie Boese
in their one room cabin
over 200 miles north of Fairbanks, AK.
Yes, experience in the arctic with Mamie whose depth of faith reached the heights of heaven.
Mamie also would come to know years alone meeting with God under her “meeting tree”.
Year Three 1968-1969, The Violation Year
The following year, back to Dawson, and Clinton Creek, (65 miles further east) - words could never express the joy of getting to know Louise, who met alone with God for years as she was 400 miles from the closest home gatherings. Her husband had brought the family to Clinton Creek to work for, yes, an asbestos mine.
My beloved Laura, my “deliverer”.
Laura made the phone call that summer of 1969 which delivered me
From the clutches of Bob Ingram.
She phoned telling him if he did not get me’
out of Alaska,
his testimony would become affected.
I was “out” within days.
God was creating in me faith
In Him; His Son;
And the teaching and leading of His Spirit
None Other…